sometimes i feel like running away

im sorry that i had to blog here, cause its a place where she'll never find this post.
i just feel like turning my back and running away from here, im causing her so much pain and agony. so much so that she is so stressed now and its an important year for her. i dont wanna be the cause of anything bad. you guys should know what i mean. dont want to be the cause of her demise. tears are seriously stinging my eyes as i type this i have no idea why, but im just gonna contain it. someone please tell me what i should do. all i want is a long lasting relationship with her. to the extent of even getting married with her. i know its sounds stupid and childish but im serious. but it wont happen. its just wishful thinking on my side. God has always picked on me